I do not know about you, but I have a hard time expressing myself when I am feeling listless. I have an even harder time expressing myself in such a public way, even if only a handful of people ever read this. But in the interest of authenticity (<-- I am still not sure how I feel about this word) I am going to keep it real with you.
The loneliness is getting to me. It's getting to me real bad. I don't think I have ever felt this way and I am not processing it well.
Many SAHMs feel this way and many of them have been doing it way longer than me and under tougher circumstances, but I am new to these lonely, angsty feelings and I am not entirely sure how to deal with them.
(And clearly, I can always be counted on for a good ramble.)
I have been staying at home with Emma since I graduated in September and on the whole it has been a tremendously rewarding and wonderful experience. I am grateful that we have spent this time together. I am happy that I have been able to focus on her and on keeping our home. And this may top the list, but after four years of college followed by four years of (intense) dental school, I was ready for a little break.
But... I am at this point where my "break" is feeling more exhausting than ever. I am ready to be working again (and to clarify, I mean work outside the home because man, oh man, this work inside the home is its own kind of exhausting). I spent years working towards my career dreams and am ready to put my doctor training to work. (I have an interview next week and I cannot be more excited. It's for a part-time associate position and wish me all the luck.)
These feelings of loneliness have made me realize something important.
I am wanting certain things for my life. I want to work and I want to be at home with my daughter and baby come August. I want to make dinners for my husband and keep our home. And I want to bond with new colleagues and make new friends. I want to craft and read and sing to my daughter. I want to care for and treat patients and provide oral care. I want to be Emma's momma and her teacher. I want to be a doctor and help people. I want to go to sing-a-longs and I want to go to dental conferences. I want to visit my family and I want to travel. I want participate in church ministries and I want to take continuing education courses. I want to be called doctor and momma and wife and friend. I want it. I want it all.
What's more is that I am absolutely not ashamed to say this. I want these things with every fiber of my being. And if a day like this, one where I am filled with melancholy, wondering, and listlessness, helps me to realize this -- then I appreciate this day. Maybe I just needed to allow the loneliness to wash over me to realize what I truly want.
What I truly need.