During a recent prayer time, I was quietly fuming. I sat in front of the Blessed Sacrament and was just angry. I was spewing out frustration, anger, hurt, and a myriad of other unpleasant emotions.
My prayer journaling became more scribbly with too many exclamation points. And “WHY??????”s. But in all His goodness and patience. He just let me rage and spew.
One particular part of what has been on my heart is how I’ve been managing my day-to-day grind. And by managing, I mean NOT MANAGING. The daily to-dos and work and child raising has been particularly challenging lately. My anxiety has been through the roof and I’ve been struggling with cooling my temper, modulating my reactions and responses, and showing up with love for my family.
In my rage and frustration, I threw it back at God.
Why have you called me to motherhood and public health if I’m just going to break under the pressure of it all and fall short again and again?!
Short temper. Check.
Eye rolling. Check.
Spiraling. Check.
Crying. CHECK.
Numbing. Check.
Self-loathing. Double check.
But again, in His love and perfection, He threw it back to me.
Samantha, instead of reacting, just pray. Stop what you’re doing in that moment and pray. Stop spiraling. Start praying.
I left adoration feeling slightly lightened at offloading a wellspring of emotion but also abashed to have been reprimanded so lovingly by God.
Of course, the solution to my self-indulgent pity party—PRAY. Easier said than done but, I guess I’d try it.
It’s going as well as you can imagine. Sometimes I can check myself in those moments of frustration. And sometimes I snap. Sometimes I can breathe and count to ten and offer it up. And sometimes I slam a door or walk away in a huff.
It’s a work in progress, but I’m trying.
BUT. In all His goodness, He continues to show up for me in those moments of weakness. Two things notably happened this week that made me feel like I was getting a giant bear hug from God.
On Sunday, my boss called me to let me know that she had emailed over my performance review. I read her comments and feedback and was completely blindsided. In a good way.
Her comments were helpful, constructive, and thoughtful. But a few items stood out. She made note of my commitment to my patients and my enthusiasm, my attitude, and compassion.
They were brief, but were balm to my exhaustion. It is always gratifying to feel recognized. And I knew that it was one answer to my prayers. It was like God was telling me, I know you’re tired and it’s a lot, but it is my plan for you and I’ll give you the tools you need.
Second, I was listening to this week’s episode of the Poco a Poco podcast and the CFRs were talking about the Hidden Holiness of Jesus. In a few short statements, they reminded me that God is found in the day-to-day grind. There is grace in the endless laundry, the errands, the soothing, the night nursing, the picking up food off the floor. He sees me in those moments I feel completely unseen. He makes worthwhile the seemingly endless repetition.
Why write all this out? I’m not sure. It was just something on my heart.
God sometimes gently leads me to revelations. Sometimes He knocks me on my butt. Sometimes He offers subtle reminders. Sometimes He shines a spotlight on His message.
And I guess that’s why I wanted to share this. So someone else might glean a little from my own realizations of His (tough) love. He told me: Stop whining, start praying. I see all that you’re doing and it is enough. Stop being so hard on yourself and others. I see you and I love you. NOW CHILL.
(This is me trying to chill)