If you have been following along here for a while, you may have noticed that it’s been quiet around here. This might have been the longest writing hiatus I’ve taken since I started blogging back in 2011 (?). Well, I’ve still been microblogging over at Instagram but I haven’t had the wherewithal to write here in a while.
It’s been a busy, hectic, stressful, anxiety-inducing, joyful, wondrous past few months. Ups, downs, and sideways. I want to try to fill you in on the highlights and lowlights, because I’m all about keeping it real and authentic (gag).
But if you’re not in for a wordy post here is the tl;dr gist — The kids are good, I’m just okay, but I’m surrounded by support and love.
Now for the meaty bits.
The biggest news is that my anxiety has flared up. It’s been an exceptionally challenging few months. I finally reached out to a mental health provider to start on a plan to get better. I’m still searching for a therapist, but I took the first step in asking for help. Believe me, that was the most challenging part. My husband has been supportive, nurturing, and a true partner in all this. Due to my hectic work schedule and the demands of three small children, I wasn’t finding time for myself to decompress or destress. It finally caught up for me and after a few breakdowns, I said enough was enough.
It’s still a process obviously and I haven’t found a therapist yet. But there is something cathartic in the initiation, in the beginning, in the relinquishing of my death grip on everything. Knowing and ADMITTING that I am not well and cannot do it on my own has been a first step in management and recovery. I’m no where near “better” (if there is such a thing) but I’ve been doing some things to help.
For one, I’ve been taking an adult introductory ballet class once per week for the last three months. I cannot tell you how much I’ve enjoyed it. Learning ballet techniques and getting to know my postpartum body has been transformative and releasing. I’ve always been athletic and have had fair control over my body. But after three babies, my pelvic muscles are like jelly and I’m no where near my former athletic self. But I want to get there. Baby steps you know. But not by holding on to some view of past perfection, but being okay with my current self. And loving my current body.
We registered Emma for kindergarten where she will start at our local school in August. I’m an emotional mess over it but so incredibly proud. There is something about seeing your eldest head towards this milestone that fills you with pride and joy. She also had her first ballet recital and performed splendidly. Yup, I cried. She is no longer a toddler but a full blown kid. She turned five in April and I cannot believe what a young lady she is becoming. She is full of empathy, energy, love, and kindness. Her ability to nurture her brothers, stand up for what’s right, and articulate all her thoughts is a joy to witness. She is so bright and I just marvel at her every day.
Henry’s language has exploded! It’s amazing. He sounds less like toddler gibberish and more like a little boy. He’s piecing together his sentences, expressing himself more, and becoming more clear. He’s still my most sensitive child, but instead of fighting his tantrums or outbursts, I’m trying to lean into him and be even more nurturing and allowing him to have his big feelings in any ways he needs. That has been one of the biggest realizations for me these past few months - when he fights, I hug harder, when he yells, I soothe more. He needs us to be his emotional safe space. I never want him to feel like he can’t feel or express his feelings.
Theo, my little giggly, happiest boy. He’s been a marvel and a true gift to our family. He quickly went from rolling to crawling to standing to cruising along the furniture. I’m fairly certain he’s going to start walking any minute now. *BIG EYES* He completely loves food and trying new things and I think he’ll be moving on to more textured foods soon. He regularly sleeps in the crib (at least for the first part of the night) and is smiling all the time. He adores water and will take a bath all day long if we let him. I’m grateful for our nanny who he truly loves and who loves him. It’s a blessing to have that support.
Paul has been our family’s rock. I’ve been struggling emotionally and physically as of late, but he has taken everything on. He does drop-offs and pick-ups, gets meals on the table, runs around with the littles outside, does bed time, and everything in between. I am honored to share this life with him. He is a true partner.
Hmmm, let’s see what else has been going on. My mom has visited quite a bit and that has been a huge blessing. Our children adore my mother and she is so helpful when things get overwhelming. My sister and her husband just closed on their first home together and I’m so excited for them. My dad is the hardest worker I know. He does terribly physically draining work and he never complains. He is a man of honor.
I wrote a chapter in a new devotional for children written by the writers of Blessed Is She. It’s a book called Rise Up! and I am honored to have been part of it. The new academic year Blessed Is She planners are available to order. Get yours before it starts in August. I know I haven’t been on top of my planner posts recently, but I cannot wait to show you this 2019-2020 beauty.
Last Thursday evening, my back completely went out. I couldn’t move, walk, sit, or stand. It was terrifying. But if I needed another reminder of my fragility, this was a kick in the butt. I’m still in recovery mode and have taken some days off of work. (More like every one around me convinced me that I really needed to stay home…) But again, it’s made me realize that I need to stop putting myself last. My family, my patients, everyone will be okay, but I won’t be if I let my mind and body deteriorate. I am planning on continuing my ballet class but am going to start up my yoga again to strengthen this weary body.
But mostly, these past few months, I’ve been putting family first. All I want to do is wrap my kiddos up in my arms and kiss my husband.
I’ll be working through the summer but plan to take some days off here and there. This summer Emma and Henry will be spending time with my parents and Paul’s parents.
Writing this all out today has made me realize how much I’ve missed writing. This is my commitment to myself to not ignore this crucial part of myself - I am a writer and writer’s gotta write. I don’t know how frequent it will be, but I need to do it. Here or Instagram, I need to write out my feels.
If you’ve made it to the end of this, I congratulate you. And I thank you for being here with me.
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