Insomnia, sleep regression, and a (much needed) sanity saver

Samantha is my name and wordy and somewhat descriptive post titles are my game. Apparently.

On a scale from one to ten, ten being the most pointless post of all time, this one may be an eleven. Or a thirty-seven. But I'll let you be the judge, oh faithful reader (aka my mom).

Things at headquarters are, um, *hem/haw* challenging. Yes that's the word, challenging. Because ajlfskd;ja;dkfja;sd isn't really a word now is it?

I did some complaining about it last week and because it's been raining (pouring) and it's a Monday and sleep is basically non-existent as of late, my current outlook is still on the low end of the spectrum.

Let's start with the worst thing on the planet (and no, I'm not dramatic at all) -- sleep regression. I don't know the scientific or developmental psychological definition but it's basically this:

Ingredients:
My head
A large hammer
A bucket of tears

Bang head with hammer until splitting headache forms, then add a bucket of tears and simmer until everyone is insane.

I don't even know if that's what is going on here but essentially Emma is refusing to fall asleep. She is refusing to stay asleep. She is refusing to stay in her own bed. She is waking up between 2 and 4 am and screaming for a solid hour.half. And now mommy needs a mocktail. 

We have had her in a toddler bed for a good seven months now with mixed results. We co-slept with Emma for the first year and a half of her life and we are happy with our decision. We all slept better, she nursed on demand throughout the night, and our tiny San Francisco one bedroom wasn't exactly large enough for anything else. 

However, now that we are expecting kid number two, we thought we'd give ourself ample time to prepare ourselves for life with two. Our main goals are potty training and sleep training. We still room share but our more spacious bedroom allows for a good distance between our bed, her bed, and the future space for the baby's bed.

But, we are at tough phase right now. She experiences severe separation anxiety if we even try to leave the room while she is attempting to sleep and now she won't settle in her own bed for a good hour to hour and a half after we put her down. It's a lot of up and down and screaming and crying (from her and from me) and pleading and head banging and I'm tired.

Which brings me to the other facet of this sleep (or lack thereof) issue. I have insomnia. I have had it pretty much my whole life and I don't know if it is pregnancy hormones or just life that has caused one of the worst flair-ups in a long time. 

Basically my nights are as follows: Emma fights sleep for almost two hours, finally falls asleep, then I wake up in the middle of the night for another two to four hours with insomnia/restless leg syndrome, then I finally fall back to sleep to be awoken shortly after by Emma around 4am where she fights her bed and sleep for another one to two hours. Then the sun comes up and I want to cry. 

UGH, GAHH, WAHHH!

Maybe my body/mind is just preparing me for the newborn phase or maybe Emma is trying to slowly beat me into submission. I guess we'll never know...

For those of you who do not suffer from insomnia, allow Emma to illustrate.

Most of the night this is my face - wide awake with a gaze of frustration. 

We then move to phase two where I pretend that I am asleep - one, to fool Emma into not bothering me and two, to fool myself into thinking I am getting more sleep than I actually am.

Then I finally drift off to sleep to be awoken at a later time to start the cycle over again.

Le sigh.

But not to leave you with too many rain clouds, I do have a little sanity saver recipe that helped me last week (which I may need to employ on the regular).

Sanity Saver Recipe
Text husband that you are at the end of your rope and that you are up to your eyeballs in toddler tantrums.
Tell husband you need a couple hours alone, out of the house.
Hand toddler over to husband the second he comes home.
Leave house and enjoy a leisurely dinner all by your lonesome. 
Enjoy a cocktail (or mocktail when you are with child) and dinner with no one needing a diaper change and without having to pick up the crayons off the floor after being dropped for the millionth time. 
Come home recharged and with a fresh perspective.
Be better mother. 

Love life again. 

Now if you managed to get through this doozy of a post, I congratulate you.

I did ask Emma during lunch today if she would so kindly sleep in her own bed tonight. She nodded yes. I'm going to take that as a step in the right direction. 

(She may need some reminding later. Wish us luck.)

Have a Monday. 

Highs & Lows

You know I like to think that I have what they call, perspective. Most of the time, I feel like I can see the forest from the tress, the bigger picture, the whole story, and any other cliche that relates. (Who knows if that is true and my husband may disagree because I give him whiplash when I bounce from obsessing over the dirtiest toaster oven EVER to freaking out about the fact that the shoes go IN THE SHOE RACK. But moving on.)

Where was I again? Oh yes, perspective. *chin scratching, deep in thought looking emoji* Particularly toddlerhood perspective. For example I usually can reason with myself thinking, yes, I know she is having another tantrum but she is not even two and cannot process her emotions so this is just how she is communicating. Or yes, she is spilling yet another glass of water on purpose, but that is just because she is learning cause and effect. Perspective.

But yesterday, I was perspective-light. My perspective tank was on empty. Forget about the forest from the trees. I was looking at the leaves on the trees. No, I was focused on the chlorophyll in the cells on the leaves on the trees. Perspective and I were not seeing eye-to-eye.

We had some serious lows yesterday. And I was convinced that she was trying to torture me into submission. But because I am the eternal optimist with a splash of realism, we did have some highs that cannot (and should not) be forgotten.

For the lows.

We are dealing with some tough family stuff, so Emma and I headed to daily mass yesterday because I needed to get my prayer on. I always feel like I pray better in a pew, ya dig? Emma was mostly well-behaved but was determined to do a runner after communion. I am big on waiting until church is actually over to leave, but she wanted out. First clue.

Right after church, I headed to Panera because it was Bagel Tuesday (13 bagels for 7 bucks!!!) and she would. not. listen. I was hoping it was an isolated 15 minutes of crazy but NOPE.

We started with a full on flailing tantrum in the middle of the street. I was holding my huge purse/diaper bag and a bag of bagels and trying to hold her hand and it was a shit show. I am still not supposed to be lifting anything heavy but I had to do the pick her up by her torso while she did the kicking and punching the air maneuver so I could remove her from the surrounded by moving vehicles situation. She then arched her back trying to avoid the car seat and I was sweating.

When we got home, oh that's where the real fun began. She poured out an entire orange carrot puree pouch on our grey couch. And then smeared it in while looking at me. And smiling. She dumped her water out on the floor and couch. For the third time. Everything that we normally say no to (due to the mess factor or the safety factor) was her oyster. Climbing on the desk, check. Ripping off her diaper, yup. Pouring water on her clothes, roger that. 

I hate to say I lost my cool a few times, but I did. After we both had a little time out. I calmly tried to explain to her why I was upset and she looked at me like this.

Look at all her care. 

Then she hit me. And showed no remorse thus.

I needed wine. And it was only 10am. And I cannot drink a whole bottle of wine in my current state. WHAT. 

After she was done making mess number one million. I calmed down in the kitchen and made some funnel cake. Mostly so I could have a vehicle to shovel powdered sugar into my face hole. 

Emma liked it too.

Now for the highs because there are a few, even on my perspectiveless day.

My mom told me that Emma and this new baby (who she has nick named Data, from Star Trek) are joys to the family and are the light in the darkness, which of course made me cry like a big baby and my mom is just the best.

We went to the park so she could get out her wiggles and so I could kill some time before nap (towards which I was counting down the seconds). And she did something rather impressive. At least to me.

She went on the big girl slide all by herself. She just marched up those stairs and did the thing like it was no big deal. Just a little while ago she would scream bloody murder if I tried to go down with her and now she owns that jungle gym. 

I was impressed.

And at the end of the day to end on a high note (which on some level I think she knew I desperately needed), she went into bed promptly at 8:30 and went right to sleep with no fighting. Whew. 

Oh motherhood, you be crazy.

16 Weeks

I am sincerely hoping that from here on out, things will be much less eventful for this pregnancy. As enjoyable as surgery while was, I think I will not need to experience that particular event again. Mmkaythanks.

So the grand old bump and I are 16 weeks along. The due date is still August 10th, but the avocado has been measuring larger. I had the nuchal translucency screening ultrasound at 13 weeks which gave us some pretty amazing photos of our little one. He/she looks like an alien and he/she is the cutest alien I ever did see.

Well, I am in this weird stage of pregnancy where my clothes are a bit tighter and I have to unbutton that top button, but otherwise I don't need maternity clothes. But I wear 'em anyway. Look at my care. 

However, I am also still healing from the surgery so I had general tummy bloat and swelling for about a week after surgery so the "bump" I thought I was growing was in fact, gas. Today, I have a much better sense of the actual size of my belly bump and it is not that bump-a-licious quite yet. I have a long torso and did not show with Emma until nearly 20 weeks. But because this is my second pregnancy and the body remembers the joys of loose and flabby belly skin, this kid is showing up to the party a little earlier. Even when I try to suck it in.

One of the things that has been the most endearing and heart-melting so far is Emma's reaction to the baby. She has been present for at least four ultrasounds so far and has exclaimed "baby!" each time and then points to my belly. By George, I think she's got it! She is gentle with my belly (for the most part) and constantly tries to lift my shirt up for a glance at the new kid.

Besides the requisite sibling jealously that I expect when bebe #2 pops on the scene, I have a strong feeling that Emma will be an incredibly loving and helpful big sis. D'AWWWWW.

Now it has been difficult to separate the acute appendicitis/surgery/healing from surgery symptoms from the regular pregnancy symptoms but it is getting easier every day. I would say that the first trimester morning sickness (the worst, I hate you) has passed. Yippie! I have noticed that my calorie need is higher and I get hangry/light-headed when I go too long without some good protein. My near fainting spell at Trader Joe's on Sunday was a huge wake up call to EAT SOMETHING (Italian grandmother accent). Mental note: must carry food on my person at all times.

We will be having the anatomy ultrasound in four weeks which is one of my favorite appointments and Paul and I will be finding out whether the peanut is a he or she. I have a very strong feeling already and I am 99% positive, but I will wait to share the news until after the body parts scan. 

16 weeks
How far along: 16 weeks, 1 day. 
Total weight gain: 3 pounds lost (dang surgery).
Maternity clothes: While not necessary, you better believe I am wearing my belly band. 
Stretch marks: None, but lots of scratch marks from the itchiness.
Sleep: My insomnia has been bad. Between trying to get Emma to stay in her bed and the insomnia, I am consistently up between 2-4 hours every night. If you want a 3am chat, hit me up. 
Miss anything: Sleep. And margaritas. And non-virgin bloody marys. 
Movement: The tiniest flutters. I think God helped me feel the baby really early so I wouldn't go crazy after surgery. Not every day, but sometimes.
Food cravings: Food that is horrible for me. Ugh. McDonalds, Dominos, In N Out, ice cream, all of it.
Aversions: Beer breath on Paul (sorry honey) and meat that is not in cheeseburger form.
Sex: I think I know. But we will see.
Symptoms: Insomnia (!!!), itchy belly skin, ever so slight increase in energy, moodiness, nesting, aching back.
Belly button: Swollen from surgery, so who knows.
Wedding rings: Loose.
Happy or moody: Fairly moody, but starting to see the happy light. 
Looking forward to: Feeling stronger kicks and having more energy.

Now that I am feeling a wee bit better, I am going to focus on my nutrition. I have been in the survival eating mode of first trimester nausea and post-surgery angst, so I really need to up my nutrition. Well, as long as that includes In N Out.

Emma update and belly around 16 weeks. 

First tricycle and the maiden voyage

To me, every milestone that Emma reaches in her life is special and OHMYGOSHAMAZING and GETTHECAMERA. First child thing? Easily entertained thing? Who knows. 

Besides the classics like first roll over, first crawl, first time walking, and first time giving mommy a heart attack, I have another first for you today. Emma's first tricycle. I have been wanting to get her a little scoot-a-long tricycle thing for a while now and today I picked one up at this adorable shop near my place. Well she picked it up. 

I could hardly say no now could I?

(In my defense, I was already planning on getting her one at some point and her death grip on this particular model just made the decision a little easier. Plus a text to her daddy saying, "well, she has been riding this around the store for the last 30 minutes, can we get it?" pretty much sealed the deal.)

Mothersucker is my name.

Now if you aren't really feeling a handful of photos and videos (<-- yes, plural) then you know where the eXit is. But if you are anything like this mamarazzi right here, then enjoy the show.

When we were about two blocks away from our place, I took the shiny new contraption out of the box. She literally squealed. And then ripped it out of my hands to take her maiden voyage.

She has a tendency to veer right so we are going to have to work on the steering.

What are you looking at me for E? I am not the one who made you crash into the forest. 

"Simple solution." - Emma badger

Bon voyage little E. Can you pick me up a Dr. Pepper at a drive through? Thanks you're a peach. 

Our place is that green one on the left and she insisted that she carry her chariot up the two flights of stairs. I had to decline on that one. I know, moms are so mean. But I will let her ride it in the house.

See how compromise works? Parenting win. (<-- Until she starts trying to drive the thing on the furniture.)

Now wasn't that fun? 

Next time, Emma's first oyster. Just kidding. Or am I?

Happy Valentine's weekend to you and yours.

First trimesters are weird

Yesterday, we skipped merrily from the dreaded first trimester to the vacation second trimester. Or so they say. Whoever they are. I still don't really know who they are. But you know what they say...

I am now fourteen weeks along as of yesterday according to pregnancy math. Apparently I am supposed to start feeling better but I am not sure I believe it. Now that this is my second rodeo, I have come to the conclusion that all those pregnancy timelines and tendencies are completely arbitrary. *angry fist shake at the air*

With Emma, I ate up those week-by-week pregnancy charts, convinced that they knew what they were talking about. (They are at it again.) But let me tell you, there is no magic on/off trimester switch that somehow turns off the nausea and turns on the energy. NOPE, NADA, NO WAY. There is just a baby swimming on your insides, punching and kicking its way to freedom. Plus all the lovely hormones that go from zero to sixty in a matter of weeks and make you want to curl up in a ball with ice cream and Netflix. 

(To all my hopeful parent friends, I promise that pregnancy is wonderful, but it is really weird and sometimes exceptionally tough. Happy baby-making. Don't punch me.)

All that if you are having a boy you feel this way and girls make you feel that way and week 5 is this stuff and week 10 is this stuff = UTTER GARBAGE and I want my money back.

Well aren't I just full of sunshine?

I am still nauseated, but I am no longer throwing up every day like the first twelve weeks (praise The Almighty). I can finally eat again but am still pretty selective as to what sounds good. And at this point, I am eating based on what I am willing to attempt to keep down, not what is "good for me". The baby can take it up with me later...

...while I enjoy all the cheesecake and buttered carbs. Okay, Emma can have a bite. 

My palate is almost as selective as the 21 month old, who eats oranges like this.

#toddlerlogic

Speaking of toddlers, I am attempting to train her up real nice before baby number two pops on the scene. A 28 month old can babysit right? 

Flower baby seems to be doing alright. 

But I am starting to see glimmers of the second trimester promised land - more energy, less puking (horrible word), less crankiness, and more bonding with the bump. I even went so far as to put my contacts and make up on multiple times this week. 

Emma didn't recognize this less harried looking parental unit. She came around eventually.

If they are correct, I hope the nausea goes away completely very soon (like yesterday). I am looking forward to feeling the little flutters of his/her movements any day now. And in all my vanity, I am hoping my bump starts to look more pregnant-like instead of ice cream and cheesecake-like. There is a baby in there I swear. Right next to the pound of lucky charms and pop tarts I had yesterday. Details. 

I'm going to have to pull an Emma and switch to all elastic waist bands in the nearest future. Raise your hand if you have a round belly! 

Double hand raise.

Fingers crossed the second trimester goodness comes bouncing on the scene. 

Until then, I guess I'll just stick to my 7:52pm bedtime.

No really, I'm fine. Just closing my eyes for a sec.