Honesty is the best policy they say. 

I have been debating writing this post. Mostly because, although I have a social media presence, I am a rather private person. And a conundrum apparently. As I write this, I do not even know what direction I will go. So let's dive in then, shall we?

Life is kicking my butt right now. 

Things are hard. Really hard. Tough. Really tough.

After Henry was born I sunk into deep postpartum anxiety. I did not even know that was a thing. I knew about postpartum depression, but anxiety was not on my radar. I was a wreck. I could not function. I reached out to my doctor for help (which, if you know me was a huge step in and of itself). With some soul-searching, praying, and hand-holding from my dear husband, I started taking medication. It saved me. 

About a month ago, I was feeling like myself again. I went to my doctor and talked with her about weaning off my medication. She gave me a regimen and I was SSRI-free for a couple of weeks. Then things changed.

Henry has started solids which has changed his nursing, eating, sleeping, everything habits. It's all part of his development, of course, but it's been an adjustment. He is also officially on the move, thereby increasing his appetite and making my anxiety flare up again. Emma will be three next month. She has always been on the faster side of emotional development so we are in the heart of the threes (terrible? terrific? terrifying? trying? tumultuous? taxing? tremendous? tough?). 

I also added one day of work per week. Between work, motherhood, home making, marriage, and general life I am stretched thin. The thinnest. The logical, well-rested, confident me knows that playing the comparison game is dangerous. But the exhausted, anxious, and self-conscious me has all the guilt.

It's that heavy, gut-wrenching guilt. That crushing, encompassing guilt.

Why can't I just be grateful? Why can't I keep everything together? Why aren't I just happy for what I have? Why can't I eat better? Why can't I be a better wife? Mother? Dentist? Why does everyone else have their lives together? If I worked more we would be better financially. If I worked less my children would behave better.

And on and on...  

Henry wants to nurse all night, Emma wants to wake up at the crack of dawn, I want to spend time with my husband, I want to take a damn shower.

Where am I going with all of this? Well mostly, I just wanted to because typing it out seems better than getting suffocated by my own guilty conscious. Maybe it will help. Maybe you'll look at me differently. Maybe I should be ashamed. Maybe I'll feel less guilty. 

So until I have things a little more figured out (this may take a while) I will be taking my medication again. Because it keeps me sane. I also need to carve out time for self-care, whatever that looks like. 

Thank you for listening. That is all for now. 


This and that

This morning, I kissed Emma goodbye as she and Paul left for pre-school and work. I slowly made breakfast, sipped my hot coffee, and relished in my newfound silence. It still has not quite hit me that I will have a few days per week of toddler-free time. It's strange really. It's only 9am and I don't even know what to do with myself today. 

My two littles. They are already buddies. And clearly think their mom is weird.

Actually, I do have some plans for while I am still on maternity leave. If you aren't interested in the slightest, feel free to eXit. But if you like listening to me blather, read on. ;] 

In a week and a half I am heading on a retreat with my fellow Blessed Is She writers. I'll be taking Henry with me on a plane all by myself, so wish me luck. At the end of the month, Paul, Emma, Henry, and I are going to our favorite vacation spot - Lake Tahoe - for a week of family time. It's my favorite time of year to go to Tahoe and I cannot wait to spend time in the mountains and fresh air.

My mom and sister came to visit us this weekend and Emma was in Auntie-loving heaven.

I also hope to establish a more regular health routine. I hesitate to call it a fitness routine because it's more than that. I am going to be working on more meal planning and preparation so we stop eating so much take out. The end of my pregnancy and this newborn haze has made my eating habits atrocious and I want to focus on preparing whole foods ahead of time. Crock pot meals, here I come! I also want to get out for more walks with Henry and get back to what I love - yoga. I also want to work on quiet mindfulness while our place is quiet. 

On the practical sides of things, I will be heading back to work in October and I am looking to work more days per week. Paul and I also want to move to a new place. We are doing well in our one bedroom, but we think it's time to look for a two bedroom.

Henry has become so animated in the last week and his facial expressions crack me up.

So there you have it for now, a little of this and that while I sip my coffee and stare at a sleeping 5-week old. Happy Tuesday! 

Emma's first day of pre-school

Emma started pre-school today! She has been home with Paul and me for the last year so today I have mixed emotions. I am excited that she will get to make some friends and have plenty of activities at her fingertips. I am melancholy at the closing of one chapter of our time together. I have valued this year immensely. She has taught me more about parenting and motherhood than I could have imagined. She's my special buddy. 

She will be at school four days per week and I hope she adjusts well. Drop-off this morning went well, so prayers for her that she settles in and does not have too hard of a time. She was a little shy at first but slowly got into playing with the other 2 year-olds. (Side note: She is the tallest in her class by a good amount. Woah!) 

She seems happy about it though, no?

Have the best day sweet Emma, I love you my brave girl.